I am back

I'm about to set the blogging world.. Lol I'm just going to make a slight ripple in about or or two peoples lives, but from here I will begin. 50 posts a body of work, then on to word press, to begin a new journey. It's time to allow my opinion to be seen or heard..

I didn't listen..

Delude: 1. To deceive the mind or judgment of: "fraudulent ads that delude consumers into sending in money."
Delusion: 1. a fixed belief that is either false, fanciful, or derived from deception

(sigh) I didn't listen..

Have you ever believed something to be so real, that no matter what facts were brought before you, no matter what anyone said, no matter how much that belief hurt you, you thought that it was true and nothing could persuade you otherwise? Have you ever loved someone so much that even when they hurt you intentionally you kept coming back? Cause I have. I've seen the dark depths, in which a heart will take you, though your logical mind is fighting tooth and nail, foxhole to foxhole, in an all out war attempting you from making the leap into the pit of delusion. Still I saw my mind lose, and when I look back I see it as if I wasn't there, as if it were all just a strange dream. It seemed so wonderful when I was in it, but when I step back and look at it now, I see how much a person could lie to themselves for something such as the want of love..


In this case I saw her and I wanted her. Not in the sexual, I want to be with her way. No, I took one look at her and I saw a future, I saw what was to be, and all the joys of life surrounding us as time unfolded before me. The magnitude of it however shook me. I had felt love before, deep love in fact, but until this point never a love that made me believe that this was the one off of one glance. Yet, my mind was quick to reject this idea, though my heart sung with a passion I had yet to know. My logic said to wait, and be wary of the pretty smile, and the looks that could kill, for often they do. Every alarm went off, and every emergency signal was tripped and yet I couldn't help myself. I fell for her, and what I describe to you here all happened in a mere 5 minutes, but at the time and location, I believed the girl was just passing through, and that we would never meet. But by a serious of unfortunate events, I was to see that we would meet and our paths would cross many times, all to my emotional detriment. I digress, I saw her, I fell in love, and I believed her to be perfect and the one for me. I took this belief to heart, and my heart ran with it. As we spent time together, and my feelings grew, this belief took root. This belief of love at first sight was real, she was the one for me, she was absolutely positively perfect. It didn't matter what people said about her to me, which was all negative by the way. It didn't matter how she treated me or others. It didn't even matter that she pursued other suitors over me, and told me point blank period that " You are a great guy, and you will make some girl really happy, just not me..". I took the stories on her as hate, the factual stories as rumors, the other suitors as mere hurdles, and her personal rebuff as telling me work harder because of that phrase all i heard was that "You are a great guy..". Everything in the world was screaming at me to stop, listen, think before you make decisions that in the end would effect you. Nothing stopped me in the pursuit of this vision, this future that I saw in that shining, glimmering moment. I was willing to lie, cheat, and steal,even from my self, to make that belief a reality. To bring life to what in all actuality was just my minds fantasy. In my struggles and trials, I possibly destroyed relationships, I ruined my own credibility, and in some cases endangered my own future, all for this want of love with and from her. I even reached the promise land, I got her to consider me, to date me, to even eventually say "I love you..".


Well it seemed that victory was mine, I had proven everybody wrong, and that I and my belief in this "future" were vindicated. It makes me laugh as I write this, cause now I have to tell you what followed my success. Abject failure, she left me, and not with a word or a discussion, she just left me. We never talked about it or had it out, I was just dismissed. When asked about it, she denied ever seeing me. She dated a guy in the transition period of my dismissal, and she left me with my delusion. Cold, angry, alone, and worse of all, full of hate. But, with time all those feelings went away, except for the coldness. We don't speak, though I send a text on her birthday if facebook reminds me. I've patched up some of the relationships I ruined, but most have been left broken. I look back at it now, and I feel as if my mind was in a fog, as if I didn't really know what I was doing, but that is just an excuse to hide what I really know. The decisions I made based on this love of an idea still to this day cause me pain, and I hope that one day it will fade, and not be as sharp as it is on some evenings. She was the harbinger of doom, I just was blinded by love to really see it. Now it is too late, for I loved her, no matter what anyone said. I just didn't listen, especially to myself..

I HATE..

This one is close to my heart, because I'm continuously suckered by the pretty smiles, the soft demeanors, and miss the diabolical plans that they have for your boy..This I hate is about the infamous kept women aka

I HATE GOLD DIGGERS!!



Now you ask "Hudson, How can you hate gold diggers when you really don't have any gold for them?"

I'll tell you how, this term might encompass women who typically are looking for men who have large assets and liquid funds to spend on them. However, I'm going to broaden this term to all those individuals who I consider takers. They "take" from whatever resources they believe they need from you. This could be time, energy, emotion, physical strength, basically whatever they can get from you. Maybe I'm taking it personally cause when I was a normal nice guy, I was consistently used all the time. Especially by the cute girl that I had a crush on. Sounds bitter right? Well I am. To many times I have been told to be myself, and do onto others as you would have them do onto you. I walked around believing that if I were nice to everyone, that they would reciprocate wrong. What further adds to this sad revelation is that when certain individuals, in this case-Golddiggers, find this character trait in you they manipulate situations to take advantage of you. Long story short, I invest time into building something I thought would develop only to realize she just wanted a "friend" to give her whatever she needed at the time. Well I wised up a little, got cold blooded. Now I'm seen as an ingrate, and being out of "Character". Many have challenged the new standards I have set in attempt to weed out individuals that I feel are users/takers/gold diggers. However I have seen the positive results of my new found code and most of the time I avoid these situations. Now I attempt to see behind the smiles and laughter, to see a person's true motive be it man or women. I want to build relationships, not based on ulterior motive, but based on mutual respect and true camaraderie of spirit. I no longer just want to be an all to often abandoned mine once the resources dry up. Yes, I know I wax idealistic about human interaction and relationships but I can't help it, I want the best for everyone.

That being said, I do have a warning for any Gold diggers that cross my path. Treat me like west virginia, cause if you try to enter and mine here, it will collapse. Word to the Wise

HTG

Something's Missing..

As the world turns, things progress, things change. I understand this even in my youth, and one must adapt to those changes. However not all change is good, and one must be wary of how one small action can affect the world around you. To me this is very significant because I go about my daily life, I always feel like there is something missing. It's not always the same feeling, but when it does happen it resonates with me. So the other day when I was walking through the grocery store and I turned into an Aisle I almost hit a lady with her cart. I immediately apologized, and gave her the right of way. Her response was to ignore my very existence. I just chalked it up to her having a bad day and went about my business. However when I went to my local gym to workout, and I saw a couple of people about to come through the door behind me, I held it open to let them in. Not one individual said thank you. Again I ignored it and went to go get my lift in for the evening. As I reached home I saw a neighbor walking through the parking garage alongside me and I said good evening. The person who I have seen off and on for about a year now, completely ignored my greeting and actually sped up to get to their apartment. Whats up with that?

Has common decency and just common courtesy been erased from normal society. I will never claim that I am the most polite. I am not even close to being a good gentlemen, but I find it odd that simple things as saying thank you or responding in kind when addressed are now seen as unnecessary and avoided. Why not extend the simple perfunctory response? It doesn't hurt you or anyone else, and actually could help someone's day. My mother always told me that a smile goes a long way, but it seems that in today's world being simply courteous is a problem. I don't understand it, something is missing..

Thought It Would Be Different..

I really thought it would be. Every time I look back I see the chinks in the armor, the missteps, the stumbles, and with each reflection I learn more and more. Still, it doesn't take the sting from this loss in my mind, though it is cathartic to write out my perspective on the situation. I think I kinda stole the idea from the movie high fidelity, except I'm not talking about break ups, I'm talking about my heart. However, I digress, back to the story at hand. I thought it would be different.

It wasn't, and the second time I fell in love I had the mindset that I knew everything about life and how to deal with any situation. I was wrong, I see that now. I was young and I had the superman complex, full of promise and thinking I was the greatest thing since...well since the creation of mankind. All of this with a nerdy swag was not conducive to positive relationships but still I pushed forward in college. Thats why this one almost hurt as badly as the first. I remember seeing her during orientation and I said to myself that is it, thats what I want right there. As the semester passed we became friends, and the more time I spent with her my affection for her grew. It became obvious to those around us that I was into her and though I never told any of them, I knew since the moment that I saw her I was going to fall for her. My feelings grew stronger and stronger with every day of class, with every lunch we shared, in truth every time I saw her, my heart would beat just a little stronger just for her. However four major problems arose that ended any chance with her, and this kinda broke me. One is that I was in love in secret and this made me awkward around her, but because of pride, I tried to hide this with bravado and cockiness which was my first mistake. My second mistake was trying to be sweet in a round about way which left me open to attack, and thats where it went south. Third problem she was in a long distance relationship with some lame dude that went to college 4 hours away, so all week I'm putting in work, and every weekend he is winning. The fourth is what really hurt the most.

We always fought.. I mean always.

I mean it was bad, and she went for the throat. She would do it in public to, and my young pride couldn't take it so I would jab back, but her gift at verbal destruction was too great. She would leave me often times not only frustrated but extremely hurt. I wondered how could I love something that would continuously make me feel so negative. How could I care for a person who always seemed to put me on the back burner. It was confusing, and though I tried to understand I never could. Eventually the constant bickering and sniping like an old couple took its toll, and like old couples who always fight we went our separate ways. I resented her for treating me that way, and rejecting me basically. My temper towards her was short and because of this we didn't talk at all for a while, mostly on my part because it just brought up painful memories. Even now that we are friends anytime that she catches an attitude and starts with me, I'm quick to anger even though I shouldn't be. I know that my feelings of anger and bitterness are irrational. I understand that I have no real right to feel the way I do about how our friendship never advanced. Yeah I could be angry about how mean she was to me, but that is petty and in the grand scheme of things inconsequential. What is significant about this entire affair is that I learned the irrationality of love, and to understand that sometimes love can drive you crazy. It taught me not to judge others because the heart really does override the mine, and because of this I now know that though things change, in fact they remain the same..

Having Two Father's is my greatest blessing...

I am blessed, to not have one but two fathers, and on this day as we celebrate the men in our lives who have taken care and shaped us into the people we are today I want to acknowledge both of them.

Below is a picture of me and my Dad.

Through the years we have had our ups and downs, but when I look back on our relationship I know that I have received that fatherly love that few individuals have ever had. He was always there for me, in the good and bad. Even when we had little falling outs my father here on earth has always tried his best to help me be the best man that I could be. His example has shown me what is necessary to be a father, a husband, and a productive member of the community both local and throughout the world. No matter what he has done I know that it was all done in love for his family, especially myself and my brothers. I couldn't have been blessed any further. For this, I give thanks to the FATHER who made it all possible here on earth, my Heavenly FATHER...

HE has saved my life and made me whole again, HE has shown me the way the truth and the light. Though I may stray at times from HIS path, like a shepherd HE has always taken care to bring me back into the fold. There are not enough words in human existence to praise and thank HE who has blessed me so abundantly. GOD I worship you and thank you for being my FATHER in heaven, always looking down and caring for my family and myself. I am eternally grateful, and this is why I can celebrate father's day so happily because I am privileged enough to have two fathers. It makes me smile in my heart..

Hudson the Great

I HATE...

Simply put folks I'm tired of watching the world around me mired deep in the misinformation and propaganda of today. For some odd reason people enjoy knowing as little as possible, especially about the world around them. That is why I HATE IGNORANCE...

Raised by parents whose household emphasis was education and the pursuit of knowledge, it is hard for me to function in an ever changing world that seeks to pursue ignorance and vanity. It seems that in my daily life I will constantly come across some form of ignorance that is not only self inflicted but is praised by my peers around me. Examples are numerous so I'll keep it brief. At the barbershop, where I am known to fight ignorance and argue continuously, a gentlemen walks in and starts to praise the comments of Bill O'Reilly and fox news for calling out Barack for not getting the BP situation cleared up. Now I'm not the biggest Obama fan, but even I know that the responsibility rests with BP, who through lack of any oversight set up an off shore drilling sight that was hazardous. I tried to explain regulations, the boards who were supposed to over see it, how the company did it to save money not caring about the , and all I got back was that it was on Barack. AND PEOPLE AGREED WITH HIM!! I swear it got to the point that all I could see was red. It was like I was in the twilight zone and any fact I showed was ignored and all that mattered was what the media said. After that I took a hard look at what was going on around me, and saw that this is not just a one time event. This kind of thinking is recurrent and ever metastasizing problem. It is all over the place, and it is constantly fed by media programs that dull the senses and seek to distract from the reality that this country and the entire world is facing. When I look at the late night news and I see stories about the Jersey Shore cast, whether Tom Cruise is too old to do movies, or what hills girl got what surgery, I shake my head. Even the media for our developing youth make little to no sense, and introduce nonsensical and nonlinear thought as a way of entertainment. I turned on cartoon network the other day, and I a grown adult could not understand what I was watching or what was going on. The saddest part is that this is what the future leaders of the world are growing up on. I see now that with the death of newspapers, the downfall of meaningful books, and the loss of actual discussion of real topics we are doomed. Yes I say doomed, because all that will be left will be anecdotes of stars and the made up socialites while the world burns around us. All along our minds are mush and on the tv as the walls catch a light will be sponge bob square pants. Go figure..

Hudson The Great